Aetherias Moon

by Aetherias Moon

Amongst the Stars

Lately, I feel untethered, like an astronaut suspended in space. Except, let’s make it fantastical. I’m floating above a blue planet swirled with white, but I don’t need a suit. I’m in a dress and my hair blossoms around me. I watch the distant stars and I know there is something beautiful out there, something beautiful in this moment, but I’m also lost.

I don’t know what happened. I lived every day to the fullest for a couple of weeks, happy as can be, and then everything collapsed. But not really. I’m fine, but I’m also…not.

I’ve been stuck in time and space, moving sluggishly and hesitantly. Fears lurk in my mind, whispering destructive thoughts. Sharing anything sounds impossible, writing is nearly unreachable.

I’m lost, so very lost, but I have to surrender to it. Not in giving up, but rather in knowing it is part of my journey. I am not gone, but am finding myself. Wandering until I reach an understanding with my heart, mind, and soul. So I drift in space, underneath pin-pricked skies, my distant home far below me. Where I will end up is a mystery, but in reaching it, I will be where I am meant to be.

Frozen

Imagine you have been turned into an ice sculpture by some wicked queen. You can still think, in fact, that’s part of the torture, being unable to move, but your mind can race, your heart can pound. You can think about ways to get out of your predicament. Maybe some of them are even clever, but as you sit in place, cold, unmovable, you realize how futile all your efforts are. Nothing is going to change until you thaw out or that wicked queen lets you go.

Freezing is one of the responses that humans have for threats. Usually people think of flight or fight, but there is also freeze and fawn. Freezing is like a possum playing dead because it has perceived a threat. It’s one of my body’s favorite responses regarding danger. It occurs when you have sensed that this is a fight you can not win or run from. All you can do is stay very still and hope that the threat passes.

It sucks.

It has its place. I’m sure it has protected me over the years, which is why my body loves to use it when it thinks I’m in danger. And it thinks I am in danger. All. The. Time.

Critical thoughts? Freeze.

Too much pressure? Freeze.

Getting overwhelmed? Freeze.

Fun, isn’t it?

You’re frozen, but the wicked queen has long passed from your life. She is a relic of an old you, and the ice has already thawed, but your body remembers the position that shaped you for years. Even though you are no longer restricted, your mind is still there, racing, looking for a way out, when there is nothing to escape but the confines of your own mind. All you can do is beg it to understand that you are safe. The threat has passed. But it doesn’t listen. At least not right away, so you sit there with your body aching, your mind screaming, waiting for the day when you can finally escape.

Update

I hope you have enjoyed my metaphors and explorations of my feelings. I wanted to end this post with a more down-to-earth explanation of my absence. I tried to post a short story and panicked so hard that I deleted the piece and got rid of my profile picture. After that, my confidence disappeared and I’ve been struggling since. I didn’t know how to come back. Something has changed after all. I don’t feel as strong or brave in sharing my thoughts. But I’m here, anyway.

I don’t know when I’ll post, or how much I’ll be around, but I’m not giving up on Substack. I want to be part of this community and I want to keep sharing things with you. It just might be a bit slower. I want to make sure what I’m sharing is up to the quality that I believe in. Thank you always for your patience.

-Aether