Aetherias Moon

by Aetherias Moon

I want to delete it…

I want to delete it…

I want to delete it…

Endurance…

Is not doing that?

I struggle with wanting to throw away all of my creations. I struggle with wanting to run away. I struggle with this. Substack, having a website…not deleting it all.

I feel bad saying that.

You’re all so supportive, and genuinely I appreciate all of you. I love it sometimes, most of the time even. But sometimes it gets to me. I feel like a failure. I feel scared; I don’t even know what I feel.

And then I think about those faces that disappear.

I remember back in April when I started Substack there were all these people that were in my feed. It was like we were a little pack (a pride, a clowder, ooh, maybe even a murder) of Substackers. And then, one by one, they disappeared. Now there are so few of us left.

Did they join another pack? Outgrow me? Did I outgrow them?

Or did they leave?

Did they lose endurance?

To keep posting, to stick it out even when it’s hard. When it gets scary. Sometimes I get really depressed. I don’t even know how I’m going to get out of bed to write a post. I am terrified of what people will think. I know all I can do is pour my heart out right now, but I think no one wants to see that. Or maybe that when they see it, it will reveal something they don’t like.

But I do it anyway.

Because one day I won’t be depressed. It will be easier. I will write with a smile on my face, bright and big, instead of a hesitant one like I have now. I will see a comment by one of you that makes my day, or I’ll get a like and I’ll remember that someone cares. I’ll be happy.

It’s harder with creativity. When it flows, it flows. I know why I love it, and I don’t need to worry about whether I’m proud of it or not because it is bigger than my soul, it is my purpose and my love, and it is dearer to me than I can fathom.

But now.

I’m a failure.

…

I’m not.

You’re not.

We’re all not.

Screw that.

Side tangent here. But I’m so tired of this negativity that says that we aren’t good enough. That the things we create aren’t good enough. That they don’t have value. That you don’t have value because of x y or z. No. You do. Because people have innate value. You are born with it. You give value to the world because you exist and the things you create have value because you created them.

So…I should keep going, right?

Because I’m not a failure, and I actually do like you guys a little bit (okay maybe a lot <3)

So I’m not going to disappear, and neither should you. I want you to stick around; I want you to create; I want you to share it.

Let’s have endurance.

-Aether