by Aetherias Moon
Kindred heart, my heart beats for you.
Maybe I shouldn’t have loved you, I wrote in my journal as I watched the estate come into view through the carriage’s window. You sit across from me, your beautiful azure eyes scanning a book. Your heartbeat resonates in my chest, bringing me life. A certain thrill ran through me at the idea of writing about my feelings sitting so close to Kai. Maybe I hoped he would see the words on the page and sweep me off my feet.
Kai aimlessly played with his shoulder length dark blue hair as he read his book. His chin was strong but his features were soft, his lips especially…
I scribbled over words in my sketchbook. Kai could never see any of this. He glanced up at me and I blushed, closing the sketchbook. I rested my head on the side of the carriage and pretended that we weren’t heading towards my worst nightmare.
The meeting between Kai and his fiancé.
There had to be something I could do. I glanced at Kai, who had gotten lost in a book. I bit my lip as words got caught on my tongue.
Kai looked up. “Is everything alright?”
I love you.
I nodded and simmered as the words burned a hole in my heart.
Memories flitted through my mind as I put my pen to the page.
I remember the day your heart filled the hollow in my chest. You made the grays and blues of the hospital come to life, the taste of chocolate milk becoming sweet and rich, and your scent of apples filling my mind. When you touched my hand, the beating of your heart resonated in my chest, and even before I could name it, I knew you would be my everything.
Kai sat in a chair next to the hospital bed that I had inhabited for the last month as they searched desperately for my kindred heart. I am a hollow, a person without a heart. I walked around, pale as a ghost with translucent hair. I Waited as my body slowly realized it shouldn’t be able to move. Hollows had to find their kindred heart before they reached the age of six or their body would give out.
I met you on my sixth birthday. No one had brought me celebrations. Rather, they sent me flowers, condolences on a life snuffed short. You came with a book and handed it to me before you said anything. You gave me a famous children’s book, “My Kindred Heart,” a story of best friends finding each other at the last minute. I knew you accepted me then, even before we touched.
“I’m Kai,” he said as he wrapped his hand around mine, his thumb pressing against my wrist.
“Hiari,” I murmured back, a pulse running through my arm and up to the hollow in my chest. I gasped and clutched my chest.
I took a deep breath. It filled up my lungs like I had never inhaled before. Warmth flowed through my veins and I trembled. I slipped forward.
Kai’s eyes widened, and he caught me, his grip on my wrist tightening. A tear slipped down my cheek as heat spread through my body, terrifying, wondrous. Everything.
“Are you okay?” Kai said.
“I’m alive.” I smiled and his lips lifted ever so slightly.
“We’ll be together now,” he said and gently patted the book on my lap. I smiled as his heartbeat raced in my chest.
The carriage rolled to a stop, and Kai closed his book. He stepped out of the vehicle and extended a hand to help me down. His soft palm sent a shiver down my spine. As soon as I touched the ground, our hands slipped apart, but my hand remained tingly.
The house extended three stories, a squat roof rising to a shallow peak. The windows were rounded at the top and dominated the exterior. It must be sunny inside. A fountain sprayed water in the air near the doorway. The sound of lapping water calmed Kai’s heartbeat in my chest.
A butler guided us to a sitting room where someone swiftly accommodated Kai with sandwiches and lemonade. The hot summer air filtered in through the many windows.
“Mistress Kana will be here soon, Master Kai.”
I winced as I heard her name and pulled out my sketchbook. Kai didn’t have a response to her name. He simply nodded and opened up the book he had been reading in the carriage. I bit my lip and scribbled words on the page.
You’ve always been brilliant, extraordinary, a beacon of light that I’m always in the shadow of. I don’t resent being hidden by your radiance. I appreciate the warmth.
I had followed Kai to mage school. He quickly became the sharpest student in the academy, breaking records left and right. He never held himself above others. Rather, he stood aloof, not unkind, but distant. It had been the same with me. Even though his heart filled my chest, I still hadn’t unraveled his mind. He remained a mystery, intriguing and intoxicating. It would take me many years to understand him as I stood behind him, always watching, always having his heart beat in my chest.
I hit the ground with a thump. Three girls cackled in front of me. Even though I was a boy, they were bigger than me.
“Empty heart,” the blonde girl said. “You don’t deserve him.”
“Stay away from Kai,” the girl with a squat nose demanded.
I trembled on the ground, my limbs refusing to work. The brunette put her foot on my chest. Kai’s heartbeat stayed calm in my core even as I panicked. Sweat trickled down my neck. How had they known the secret I kept buried in my core?
Footsteps announced someone running towards them. The girls gasped.
“Get off of him,” Kai said.
“Kai!” the brunette sputtered. “I wasn’t doing anything.” She spoke too fast.
“Don’t mess with my kindred heart,” Kai said, his voice deeper and laced with an edge.
I gazed up at your scowl, and your heart ceased to beat in my chest. I learned I never truly knew love until I met you. I opened my mouth to tell you. But when you turned those intense eyes on me, I froze, terrified that you would see through me. That you would shove me away and leave me hollow once more.
I heard the creak of a door opening and the sound of distant chatter. Melodic laughter echoed down the hall, and Kai’s heart fluttered. I gripped my chest, looked out the window, and forced tears not to fall. I pretended not to hear the clicking steps.
“Master Kai, this is Mistress Kana,” the butler said.
I squeezed my shirt.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Kai said.
Kana wore a blue dress with a tight bodice and a flowing skirt. Her auburn hair swirled around her shoulders and her green eyes were electric. Her lips were painted red, somehow alluring yet dangerous. Kai wouldn’t take his eyes off of her.
Look at me. Please see me for once.
I’m always around you like a ghost haunting its master. You watch over me, but your eyes go right through me.
I sat across from Kai in the library. He had about ten books surrounding him, all bookmarked as he looked from one to the next. I had a single book on mathematics in front of me and attempted to do my homework, but really I doodled and wrote notes.
Look at me.
The numbers on the page seemed to dance out of sync, and they lost their meaning to gibberish. I’d fail my test, but I hardly cared.
Look at me.
I drew Kai’s concentrated face, his lips almost pouting like he fought his studies.
Look at me.
“Kai,” I whispered and then startled as he looked up at me.
I love you.
“I love…” I licked my lips. “How bad I am at math.”
“Do you need help?”
I looked down and fiddled with my hands. Yes.
“No.” I smiled. “Focus on your studies.”
He stood up and made his way over to where I sat. I closed my sketchbook quickly, hiding all of my notes. Pulling up a chair, he sat close to me.
“What do you need help with?” he said.
Saying ‘I love you.’
Coward.
“It’s so nice to meet you.” Kana curtsied.
“Likewise.” Kai stood and bowed.
I sat rooted to my spot and squeezed my sketchbook. Coward.
She sat down opposite Kai, which put her to the left of me. Without thinking, I started drawing her. They started chatting. Banal conversation tired me, but Kai seemed engaged. As the day progressed, my shoulders sagged more and more. I should be happy for you. I looked up and saw Kai smile, and for a moment, Kai’s heart stilled for me. He glanced over at me and tilted his head and grinned. Assuring me, though I didn’t know what he thought I was upset about. Do you know how much your own heart beats for you?
I got used to the comforting sound of Kai’s heart beating in my chest. The way I could read into the straight faced boy more than others, because I held his secrets in my core. You don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, rather it’s tucked away in my chest.
“He doesn’t even care,” a girl whispered too loudly.
Kai’s heart skipped a beat. I glared at her and prepared to stomp towards her when he caught my arm.
“Leave it,” he said with a tightness in his voice. I let him pull me away from the sneering girl.
They don’t understand you, how much your heart aches. It’s almost unbearable.
My palm burned where his fingers entwined with mine. Even though we had moved away from the mocking girl, he still held onto my hand. His heartbeat stayed steady, but I knew that if I had my own, it would be pounding away. It had been two weeks since Kai’s mother had passed, but it blanketed us like a towel over a grease fire.
We reached the library. He always loved going there. Kai let go of my hand, but he did it almost hesitantly. I stared at his haunted eyes and wrapped my arms around him.
I didn’t think as I embraced him. After a moment, I realized what I had done, and I pulled away, but he wrapped his arms around me. He had a tentative hold on me, like he didn’t quite know if I was real.
You rested your head on my shoulder and I fell a little bit more in love with you. Your breaths came slow, like you had finally eased after weeks of agony. When you let go, you frowned, almost like you wished you hadn’t pulled away. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to hold you longer. To tell you, it’s okay that you’re sad, it’s okay that you’re broken, and you’re not alone.
I loved her too.
But I love you more.
“What is it you’re drawing?” Mistress Kana asked.
I froze and pulled my sketchbook to my chest.
“He’s great at drawing,” Kai said. Heat rose in my cheeks and I bit my lip.
“You don’t have to show me.” She raised her hands. Kai looked at me and I blushed harder.
“Don’t think I’m weird please,” I said, flipping my sketchbook over and revealing a rough draft of her. “It just kind of happened.”
“Oh, wow!” She reached out a hand for the sketchpad and I gave it to her, praying that she wouldn’t flip to any of the other pages. She scanned the page, and a smile broke out across her face. “You’re such a good artist!”
“He’s always been amazing, but he rarely shares them,” Kai said.
“Oh, thank you.” I laughed as my face melted. I reached for the sketchbook before she flipped through it and saw a million pictures of Kai.
Kana didn’t notice. Her fingers twitched as she turned the page. Her eyes popped, and I snatched the sketchbook from her.
“That’s amazing-”
“It’s nothing.”
“But Kai looked so realistic.”
I looked at Kai, who smiled. “You don’t need to be so embarrassed. I’m just good practice, since we are always together.”
I dug my fingers into my sketchbook. You don’t even understand what it means. Why I draw you over and over again. I can’t help it. Can’t you see the words I can’t say?
They returned to their conversation as I simmered with shame.
We sat under the oak tree, its fronds saving us from the heat of the summer. Books surrounded Kai as always, and I had my trusty sketchbook. I held the pad of paper in my hand and trembled.
“What is it?” Kai said.
My shoulders tightened, and my eyes bore into the ground. “I wanted to show you-”
Kai reached for the pad. His fingers were a gentle demand poised in the air. Please, know what this means to me?
I let him see the portrait I have made of him, a thoughtful expression on his face, a quiet smile teasing what he had been reading.
“You should pursue your drawings,” Kai said.
“That’s not a reasonable trade,” I answered without thinking.
Kai scanned the paper and smiled. “Who cares? I’ll support you.”
You said it like it was nothing, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Yet you didn’t realize the most obvious thing. My whispers of “I love you” had fallen on deaf ears.
We left, leaving a smile on Kai’s face. I held back a frown as we climbed into the carriage. My words stayed trapped in my throat.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Coward.
“Do you think you will go through with it?”
“Marriage?” Kai answered.
I nodded. Kai’s heart beat faster, and I wanted to throw up.
“Maybe,” he looked down. He had an odd expression that I couldn’t place. When he turned his gaze on me, it was almost too intense. I stared out the window and tried to breathe.
“Who do you think you’ll marry?” I asked, as I tapped my fingers together.
Kai looked up from his book. Today I sat on his bed in his room. It made me nervous, but we always hung around each other and today Kai wanted to be cozy. “I don’t know, someone my parents tell me to marry.”
“Why?”
“I don’t particularly care.”
“About what?”
“Romance.”
Could I make you care? Could I show you how beautiful and soul-crushing love could be? Could I make you turn your eyes on me?
“Still.” I tapped my fingers together. “Don’t you believe in love?”
“I believe in it, but not romance.”
“So then, why don’t you marry someone you love?” I asked.
“Because I can still love who I love. Marriage is just a societal construct.”
I frowned, thinking of the extravagant wedding we could have if you just saw me. I couldn’t forget how many times I had thought of it, but his family would never accept it. Is that why you never look at me?
“Who will you love?” I asked as I twiddled with my pencil.
“You.”
I gasped and tears pricked my vision, yet his heartbeat stayed calm in my chest and his gaze remained even.
“I love you too,” I whispered, and he chuckled. A rare sound, and went back to his work like nothing had happened. I wanted to ask him questions.
How do you love me? Do you love me as much as I love you? Is that even possible?
But I didn’t.
We never spoke of it again.
The carriage rode bumpily ahead, and I clutched my sketchbook to my chest. Everything would be over. He didn’t care who he married. Him liking her was just a bonus. They would fall in love, she would become the most important person to him, and I would watch from the sidelines, hating myself for staying quiet. For a moment, my heart raced as I took control over our kindred heart. He looked up at me.
“I love you,” I murmured. Then I blinked and our heart pounded. Who knew who caused it?
“What?”
I love you. I love you. I love you.
“I love you more than anything,” I sputtered.
Kai chuckled and smiled radiantly. “I love you too.”
Our hearts beat as one as they always did, yet I didn’t understand its soft timbre. His smile faded to a grin as he pulled open a book.
It’s happening again. You don’t see me. I’m right here and yet you never look.
I slumped to the ground of the carriage and kneeled before him. He looked down at me, a book half pulled out of his bag.
“No,” I whispered. “Like this.”
I tilted his chin down, my fingers tracing his neck. Trembling, I pressed my lips against his soft pout. Kai’s apple scent, so close, intoxicated me. His lips were warm and tense. He didn’t pull away, staying still and stiff.
I pulled away and stared into his wide eyes. His lips were flat, unsure.
“Hiari?”
“I love you,” I said. “Like that.”
Kai looked away. “I told you, I don’t understand those kinds of things…kissing and more. I don’t get it.”
I squeezed my fists together. “Would you understand it with Kana?”
His gaze met mine, and I blushed at the question.
“No,” he said.
“Then don’t marry her,” I whispered.
He leaned down and tilted my head towards him. Our gaze locked. “Marriage means nothing to me,” he said. Gently, he placed his lips on my forehead and murmured. “You already belong to my heart.”
Our heart skipped a beat, and I looked into his gaze and, for once, I knew.
You love me too.
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If you enjoyed this short story you may like another queer romantasy of mine about what happens when two destined lovers aren’t meant for one another.
If you’re curious about what’s going on with me, consider exploring some of my blogs. My most recent one explored my feelings about visiting the past.
Aetherias Moon 
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