Aetherias Moon

by Aetherias Moon

Did you know they added grief to the DSM-5 as a diagnosis. Back in IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) they taught me about the differences between grief and depression. They look similar but are different. I guess it’s a little strange that grief is something you can be diagnosed with. Do you really need it? (Maybe for antidepressants because insurance is stupid) When you lose someone don’t you know that you are grieving?

I guess.

I mean.

I dissociate. Hard. Real hard. I start thinking about the positives, the silver linings, and feel dead inside. The guilt claws up my throat and I call myself terrible things, monster, insensitive, horrible person. I’m bad. I’m not but…it’s so hard to remember.

My parents made me this way. They redacted me. Now when my pet dies I sit here hollow.

Yeah…you were going to get some other blog this week, and then my cat passed away. We made the choice you know? The vet told us it was for the best, that it was “humane,” but I can still see her limp body and think “I did this. She was alive and now she’s not because of me.”

Isn’t grief funny?

Cookie passed away, a cranky senile Calico cat that purred the moment you looked at her. I had her since I was a little kid, she lived to be twenty-two. What an old cat? She sounded like she chain smoked all day and didn’t give a damn. She used to hide. As a kid I wanted a cat and my parents relented on one of my birthdays, I picked her out because she was pretty, and well…she hated me. She hated everyone. She hid and would claw and bite you. A total menace.

But in her old age she became friendly. Before she passed I told her “ha, I finally got to pet you.” I hope she appreciated that. I hope she liked me in the end. I loved her…I still love her, the love doesn’t go away, doesn’t go into past tense, because it’s still here, even if she’s not.

So do I have a dual diagnosis? Am I depressed and grieving?

Well I don’t need my psychiatrist to tell me that. I feel so murky, so dark, so vague. I don’t want to do anything. I want to lay in bed all day. I don’t want to think about Cookie. I want it to be another day, any other day, a normal day. I don’t want the feelings bursting out of my chest and leaking out of my eyes.

I want peace.

I want to feel okay.

I want to ask the same as I always do. But then the thoughts come in, “do you even care? Did she really ever matter to you?” Then I struggle to do my usual and forget the reason, that I do care, and punish myself for not being able to perform “your lazy, unproductive.”

I guess…

I’m a mess.

But isn’t that okay?

Some days are just messy. Some days you put your cat to sleep so you write your feelings and huddle in your bed. You eat chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream in honor of your cat and cry. Sometime’s messy is healthy.

Is that in the DSM5? That it’s okay to hurt. That it’s normal. That feeling the pain is healthy (as long as it doesn’t overwhelm you). That people cope differently.

But I am depressed. I was riding a little bit of a high for a bit (my meds aren’t working perfectly) but now I’ve crashed. The idea of writing torments me. Words don’t want to leave my fingertips. I feel locked up. I almost want to do things, but not enough to do them. I try and do them and find I don’t have the energy. Eventually I don’t even try.

And now I’m grieving too.

There’s a short story I’m writing that I adore. But I’m scared to write it. I don’t know why. It’s frustrating. The story wants to pour out of me, I feel myself bursting with potential, but the idea of trying to write fiction terrifies me.

Why?

I don’t know, maybe I’m depressed.

Maybe my cat just died.

Maybe I’ve self diagnosed myself with grief. That means taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself, being around friends and family, and cherishing the people you do have. It means not vilainizing yourself, and not saying cruel things about yourself.

Stay safe and be kind to yourselves. You deserve wonderful things. Don’t let the darkness win.

Celebrate all the little things.

I brushed my teeth.

Are you proud of me?

–Aether.

Dedicated to Cookie aka Cookie Monster aka Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Icecream.